Big Boned
by clwilson
Summary: Colby goes on a Blind Date. Oneshot.


Big Boned

Disclaimer: I own nothing of Numb3rs, though I'll give Colby a good home when you're finished with him.

_Inspiration from "Graphic"_

_Megan: I know some pretty interesting women._

_Colby: I'm sure you do. Smart, successful, great sense of humor, but you miss out big boned and owns seventeen cats._

A/N: For Cold Ember, My first reviewer, even though she is doing a much better job of Colby Dating than I am.

Colby was shifting in his chair and looking at his watch again.

"Is your chair on fire there, man." David asked.

"I was going to offer him some hemorrhoid cream." Megan said to David.

"If you must know, I have a date, and am a little eager to get away on time." Colby said archly.

Megan looked at her watch, the second hand creeping round the dial "Five, Four, Three." She counted.

Colby was up and grabbing his jacket ran for the elevator.

"See you Monday, lover boy." yelled Megan across the bull pen.

Colby waved in their general direction, and disappeared into the elevator.

Prodding the button to go down, Colby hummed to himself.

"This is going to be perfect"He whispered to himself.

He had it all planned, he couldn't believe he was so excited about a blind date, but weeks of chatting on-line and he was sure about this one.

_What if she's an Axe murderer _a little voice in the back of his head spoke up.

Colby ignored it.

Exiting the elevator at the parking level, he practically skipped to his car. And was screeching out of the car park into the early evening rush of traffic. He turned his radio on to a country channel and hummed to himself as he made his way through the traffic towards his apartment.

"I think I'll have a nice long bath." he said to himself, thinking about the bubble bath that Charlie had given for Christmas.

Charlie had sworn it wasn't a joke gift and that it had a lovely manly smell and was really relaxing, even though it was a pale yellow color, also it made your skin nice and soft, apparently chicks liked that sort of thing. And Charlie should know. Amita was so very hot for a brain-box.

_Aren't you a bit old to refer to women as chicks?_ The voice in his head spoke up.

"Women then." he said taking a left turn. He groaned. The traffic was gridlocked. He glanced at the clock on the dash.

17: 47 it mocked.

"Plenty of time." he said joining the queue of slow moving vehicles.

He turned the radio up louder and began to sing along. Not noticing or caring about the looks he was getting from the car in the lane alongside him.

_They're looking at you idiot_ the voice sounded scornful.

"Don't care." sang Colby in time with the music "I've got a date."

_humph._ The voice muttered _Anyone would think you've never dated before_

"It's just been a bit slow lately." Colby told the voice, "Work and all."

_Should have tried harder with the gymnast Megan found you_ the voice stated, sounding suspiciously like Megan this time.

"Shut up" Colby said, and upped the volume even more to drown out the voice.

All that could be heard for the remainder of the journey was Colby singing along to the radio.

When he finally arrived home, the clock in the car read 18:34. He was a little surprised at how long it had taken to get home and left his car parked at an angle across two marked spaces. He didn't even notice as he sprang from the vehicle and once again almost skipped into the apartment building. He decided not to wait for the elevator as he was now officially running late and sprinted up the three flights of stairs to his door. Slightly out of breath he paused at the door to find the correct key.

_Wow, you're out of shape G-Man_ the voice perked up _too many Saturday night beers with David_ it added still sounding strangely like Megan.

"I'll start exercising on Monday." Colby told it, slotting the key in the lock. He went into his apartment, picking up his mail from the mat inside the door he dumped it on the kitchen counter.

"Sort that tomorrow." He muttered to himself.

_Why put off to tomorrow what can be done today_ the voice chanted, now it sounded like his Grandmother.

"I'm running late." he explained to his grandmother's voice. Years of childhood habit left the inbred response to be polite to the woman, even though she had been dead for years."I have just an hour to get ready."

He grabbed a beer from the fridge and popped the top, dropped his jacket on the back of the sofa and went straight to the bathroom.

Sipping from the beer bottle, he lent over the sink and scrutinized his face in the mirror.

_Hey check out those bags_ the voice laughed, it had switched to David now _Man you are looking worn out. Maybe you should stay home and get some rest._

"Nope," Colby grinned at his reflection checking the rows of perfectly straight white teeth "No sleep tonight."

_you're not that lucky, boy _the voice muttered back to mimicking Megan _she could be an Axe murderer _it added

"you said that already." Colby pointed out.

_Or really ugly_ it continued O_r she could hate you. Or. Or... _ it stammered

"Oh shut up." Colby said turning away from the mirror, toward the bath.

Having decided he needed to shave as well he decided to skip the bath and just shower, he glanced at the bubble bath on the shelf above the bath, suddenly noticing it had sparkly bits in it. He wondered if he should worry about Charlie or not.

_Hey pretty boy_ the voice yelled _you gonna stand there all night?_

Colby stripped, and turned on the shower, warmer than he usually did first thing in the morning, after all he was far more awake than he was at that time of day.

He stood for a few minutes under the pounding fall of water.

"Thank you David for recommending a high pressure electric shower with massaging head." he murmured, his eyes closed.

_Yeah help relax all those tired old muscles_ the voice hissed to him.

His eyes popped open, and he grabbed the shampoo and set to work. Five minutes later he left the shower and wrapping a towel around his waist returned to the mirror. He picked the beer bottle off the side of the sink and took another swig, it was starting to warm up. He hoped the heat in the bathroom was responsible for his warm beer and not the passing of too much time.

He grabbed another towel and rubbed his hair partly dry, running his fingers through it left it all fluffed up and messy. He grinned to himself "Cute" he decided.

_That needs cutting young man_ his grandmother was back in his head.

"Women apparently like to run their hands though mens hair at opportune moments." he told his grandmother, reverting to teenage times of trying shock his family.

"Wonder how David manages." he sniggered to himself, which produced a mental picture of David having sex.

"Ugh." he shook his head as though to shake the image away. They were as close as brothers but not that close.

He picked up the comb and tamed his hair.

"you're right, it does need a trim." he said thoughtfully.

A quick shave, and he was done.

He padded barefoot from the bathroom to the bedroom, dropping the towel to the floor he stepped into clean boxers.

_Why bother?_ The voice snarked _you think you'll be taking them off in a couple of hours._

"Might get run over by a bus." he told it, digging through a drawer for clean socks.

_Might get killed by your blind date_ the voice replied.

He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled on his socks. Standing again he took the three steps to the wardrobe and pulled out his new suit. Far nicer than the ones he wore for work, it was a dark gray and had cost over five hundred dollars.

_Pulling clothes_ the voice acknowledged.

Colby didn't deny it, he grabbed a pale blue dress shirt to go with the suit.

_Blue?_ The voice asked. Colby put back the blue shirt a grabbed a white one.

_You'll look like you're at work_ the voice pointed out.

Colby hung the suit on the inside of the wardrobe door and grabbed the blue shirt again. The blue shirt in one hand and the white in the other, he held them both up against the suit.

"White." he said after considering them.

_Blue_ the voice decided at the exact same time.

Colby started to put the white shirt away.

_Didn't you want the white one?_ the voice asked

"You said blue." he told it

_white would go better with the gray_ the voice told him.

He put the blue shirt away and pulled the white one on. Followed buy the suit pants. Leaving the jacket on the hanger, he turned back to the wardrobe to his expansive collection of ties.

They were neatly hanging on little hooks all in a row, he ran his finger along the selection trying to make a decision. He paused at a dark navy one.

_funeral_ the voice stated

his finger continued it's journey pausing again at a pale blue one with diagonal stripes.

_not stripes_ the voice rejected that one too.

"this one." Colby grabbed for the pale blue plain silk tie.

_boring_ the voice was in it's element now.

"Fine" muttered Colby and as an act of rebellion went straight to the end of the row, the pulled the tie that he found there from the hook and draped it around his neck to tie later.

_Ha ha ha_ the voice really sounded like Megan now.

Grabbing a pair of shoes he had carefully cleaned and polished the night before he returned to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Are the shoes O.K." he asked, the voice was quiet. Deciding that meant they were good, he put the shoes on and tied the laces.

Then he stood, and tied the tie around his neck. It hung perfectly down the center of his chest.

_Ha ha ha _Megan's voice continued to laugh at him.

He ignored it and grabbed the jacket, shrugging it on over the neat shirt.

Turning he noticed the digital clock by the side of the bed.

19:51 glowed the red digits.

"I'm late!" he shrieked "I'm meeting her at eight and I need ten minutes to get there."

_in a hurry to get murdered are we _the voice had apparently recovered from it's mirth at the choice of tie

"She's not an Axe murderer." Colby said, dashing from the bedroom, he left the light on.

_You're a federal agent _the voice lectured _you know how many murderers stalk victims on-line_

"I'll get Charlie to check the statistics on that." Colby muttered grabbing his keys from the kitchen counter on his dash to the door.

He slammed the door shut behind him. As a massive stroke of luck his neighbor was exiting the elevator with a large grocery bag in his arms.

Colby dodged into the elevator before the doors could close.

"Nice suit Granger." the neighbor called, "going on a date?"

"Yeah and I'm late." Colby called as the doors closed.

He jogged to his car and jumped in, he had to make two revering maneuvers to get his vehicle out of its wonky position.

_Wonder who parked this badly_ the voice mocked.

Colby screeched away from his apartment and pushed close to the speed limit all the way to the restaurant he had booked. He parked haphazardly again, failing to notice the fire hydrant on the curb side. He jogged across the road to the restaurant, dodging in the door just as the ornate clock on the wall behind the maitre'd ticked round to one minute past eight.

"Granger" he said to the man "Table for two" he added. "I'm meeting someone. Is she here yet?"

The Man checked a large black book open on the podium in front of him.

"Mr. Granger." he drawled "You're table is ready, but you're guest has not yet arrived." He smirked at Colby unnecessarily, "would sir care to wait in the bar or at the table?"

"The table please" Colby said, then followed the man through the half full restaurant.

The table was laid perfectly, pristine white table cloth, polished crystal wine glasses in three sizes, and shiny silver cutlery, in the center was a single dark red rose in a tiny fluted silver vase.

"Wonderful." Colby remarked, then tipped the guy a twenty. He melted away into the background.

Colby took the chair that was facing the entrance so he could watch for his date. She had described herself to him in one of her emails.

Tall, brunette, blue eyes, long legs

_Axe murderer_ the voice interrupted.

"Shhhh." Colby hissed under his breath.

A tall stunningly beautiful brunette entered the room. Colby held his breath for a moment. She was coming this way.

"Sweetheart." she spoke in a husky voice as she drew level with his table. He was grinning like a fool at her, she continued past his table and wrapped her arms around the short, fat, balding man waiting there. The grin dropped from Colby's face as the voice in his head roared with laughter.

He watched another couple enter and be seated.

_Stood up _the voice chortled.

He twisted in his chair, looking for a clock, he couldn't believe he'd forgot to put his watch back on after the shower.

_Left you're dirty laundry on the floor of the bathroom too _the voice taunted, back to sounding like Megan.

"Shit." Colby muttered under his breath. He spotted a clock on the far wall behind him, the minute hand was pointing between the three and the four.

_Stood up, stood up, stood up_ the voice sang.

"Colby?" a soft female voice interrupted the voice in his head.

He turned and got his first look at his date.

_She must be three hundred pounds _the voice spoke in awe

"Lucy?" Colby squeaked. The smile faded from her face as she sat opposite him.

Mid brown curly hair framed her round face, her blue eyes were framed by bright blue eye shadow and her plump lips were painted bright red. A tight black top showed and ample cleavage.

The voice in his head was laughing again.

She had a black coat draped over her arm, as he looked at it he noticed several hundred small white hairs on it, she followed his line so sight.

Absently brushing some of the hairs aways she folded the coat on her lap.

"one of my cats fell asleep on it." She said looking him in the eye.

_One of her cats_ the voice taunted

"The wine list, Madam." a waiter appeared at their table. "Sir" he offered the slim menu to Colby. He didn't even look at it.

She opened her menu, and glanced at it.

"This one." she instructed the waiter, pointing at the menu.

"Very good madam." he said and vanished.

"Cats?" Colby was still squeaking and the voice was still laughing.

"Sorry I'm late" she ignored his question. "couldn't park. The street was blocked by a tow truck, pulling away some idiot parked by a fire hydrant."

_uh oh _the voice muttered.

Silence descended on the table. She still had the cat hair covered coat in her hand.

The waiter returned with the bottle of wine, and proceeded to uncork it at the table.

Before he could pour any, she took the bottle from the waiter.

"Leave now." she instructed him.

She poured a large glass of the deep red wine.

She looked at Colby for a moment, took a sip of the wine and stood, moving round the table to stand next to him. She held out her hand to him and wordlessly he took it and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. She was the same height as him so he was looking directly into her eyes. They were such a clear blue he felt like he could fall right into them.

_Huh _the voice muttered.

"Well your face said it all when I got here." she said looking at him. "Clearly you are not happy to have a larger lady as a date. I am deeply offended at your shallowness on judging people by their appearances particularly after the length of our on line conversations."

"I.." Colby stammered not knowing what to say. He was still lost in her blue eyes.

_Say something_ the voice yelled.

"And this is what you're missing." She closed the small gap between them and kissed him. Hard. Right on the lips. Pressing her body up against his, he automatically responded to her, bringing his hands to caress her face he started to kiss back.

_Wow_ the voice was purring _keep going, Wow._

She broke away from Colby leaving him gasping for more.

She picked up the glass of wine, threw it in Colby's face. Then taking the rest of the bottle turned and stalked from the restaurant.

Colby stood there, his mouth hanging open, red wine running down his face and onto the five hundred dollar suit. Staining the shirt dramatically.

The voice was strangely quiet.

The waiter appeared again and silently presented Colby with a napkin. Then placed a small black plate on the table with a folded piece of paper.

Colby picked up the bill and unfolded it. His eyes widened.

_Four hundred dollars _now the voice was squeaking _she threw a four hundred dollar bottle of wine over you _it started laughing again.

"Actually she took the wine with her." Colby spoke quietly. He reached for his wallet at without acknowledging the waiter dropped his credit card into the plate.

"There's a twenty percent service charge." the waiter said smirking.

Colby waved him away, and sat back at the table, using the napkin to wipe the wine from his face.

The waiter returned with Colby's card and a receipt. With as much dignity as he could muster he signed the receipt and folded the sopping napkin on top op of it. He stood and left the restaurant.

He swore he could hear more than just the voice in his head laughing at him.

Without looking he crossed the road towards where he had parked his car. Finding nothing but a gap. Noticing the fire hydrant, and remembering why Lucy had trouble parking, he groaned.

He slumped onto the curb and sat next to the fire hydrant, leaning his forehead against the cool metal.

_You know _mused the voice _it would have been better if she was an Axe murderer._

Colby started to slowly bang his head against the fire hydrant.

END


End file.
